Heading home for the weekend. I need time to clear my head and not be constantly reminded of her every time I’m in my room. Plus i know my mom will be there for me and hopefully it snaps me out of this. I realize that I’m better than I was 2 weeks ago, but it’s still going to take a lot of time, a lot of mental strength, and work on myself to feel normal again. I’ve never experienced this range of emotions before, the depth of my sadness and the things I remember amaze me. It seems like everyday some new memory pops up, good or bad. At least now it’s not this sheering pain and potential breakdown every time I remember something. Maybe in the end this is a good thing, but I still don’t see it yet.
The second…maybe third song I learned on guitar, I don’t remember it’s been so long. Brings back memories – the live version is always better of course.
I declined a golden opportunity to go on a date (quasi date?) with a kind, super smart, and attractive girl because I’m still IN love with Annie – despite everything – and can’t bring myself to even think about anyone else. I know it’s only been two weeks, but I haven’t made any progress…I guess this is my dark night of the soul.
I’ve decided to stop smoking weed for a long, long time after I run out of what is left of my stash. Hopefully at that point I’m in a better place so it’s not so horrible when I stop. But as much as I want to think it hasn’t altered my brain and how I think I see now that it has. I can’t say “oh i’ll only smoke on the weekends,” because I know that I won’t be able to control myself. I just have to stop for awhile. College is over, I smoke multiple times everyday as a comfort, to be able to sleep, and because I get bored so easily when I am not high – I don’t know how to enjoy life unless I’m high (well I could with Annie, but can’t do that now). Time to grow up, get control of myself, then I can go back and smoke occasionally. It’s not bad in moderation, just like alcohol.
Before we proceed any further, His Royal Highness King Joffrey of the Royal House of Lannister requests that, in the unfortunate event that this official document must be read, thoust read it in a high-pitched and whiney, evil tone …
It takes a special kind of bastard to keep sucking this hard from beyond the grave.